This picture was taken when we were engaged and in my brother's wedding.
Showing posts with label Jenn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jenn. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
Jenn's B-day note
Will just wrote me a note (he keeps mixing up all his 'b's and 'd's): "Mom wut slub i dr uu beswa" -- when he translated it said "Mom, what should I bring you beeswax?" -- Em gave me 2 tiny cacti and grapefruit Burt's Beeswax for my birthday this morning.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Spouse Questing 101 : Summary
Some of my children are old enough to start looking around at the world (and their future) and asking questions. Here are some answers to questions they've asked (and haven't asked) about husband hunting, wife wishing, procuring a partner, looking for a life mate, mariting a marriage --- my title in imitation and admiration of The Once and Future King's Pellinore and his Questing Beast --- SPOUSE QUESTING.
Spouse Questing 101 :
George Washington's Rules of Civility were his model for becoming who God meant him to be. Write yours down.
These life lessons can be applied to many ages and stages in life. The process can be used for Spouse Questing or House Questing, Seeking Employment and Seeking Enjoyment, from Combating Loneliness to Attaining Holiness.
Spouse Questing 101 :
- Lesson #1 To Thine Own Self Be True
- Lesson #2 Becoming Who You're Meant To Be
George Washington's Rules of Civility were his model for becoming who God meant him to be. Write yours down.
- Lesson #3 Draw me a picture
- Lesson #4 Shake the Trees
- Lesson #5 Submission to the Divine Will
These life lessons can be applied to many ages and stages in life. The process can be used for Spouse Questing or House Questing, Seeking Employment and Seeking Enjoyment, from Combating Loneliness to Attaining Holiness.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Spouse Questing 101 : Lesson #5 Submission to the Divine Will
You've learned your lessons well ...
Lesson #1 To Thine Own Self Be True
Lesson #2 Becoming Who You're Meant To Be
Lesson #3 Draw me a picture
Lesson #4 Shake the Trees
You've experienced the patience of Job and it's been an unreasonable time period. I was in year 8 of this process before I hit this stage. I spent 2 years on Lesson 1, and did 2, 3 & 4 simultaneously (thus the slow progress) for another 6 years. When I give warnings, I speak from whence I came.
At year 8 I started playing with fire and considered settling. How long is a healthy American girl supposed to wait??? I was wrong. It was completely wrong for me to throw away my dream. O.K. I learned about that one the hard way. But I'm still stuck, year 9 is approaching and no dream-boat.
It dawned on me. Maybe this wasn't what God wanted from me. I couldn't throw my dream away, but I did have to allow it to die and start the process of birthing a new dream. God!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?? Whatever you want, I'll do -- even if it's not what I want. I just want to be Yours completely.
It wasn't until I hit this place that I finally understood the almost decade long process I'd been through. Understanding myself was important. Becoming who God wanted me to was equally important. Deciding what I wanted from life was important. Making all reasonable efforts toward that end was important. Now, submission to God became the most important thing. I couldn't have submitted all of me if I didn't know who I was. I couldn't have given Him everything if I wasn't willing to be remade in His image. I couldn't give Him every part of my dreams if I didn't know what they were. I would be a less-than-worthy servant if I weren't willing to work for the dreams He'd placed in me. Now I needed to give all that work to Him like burning paper in a fire.
It. Was. So. Hard.
In one way it hurt more than anything had before because it was something I'd done and gained with Him. In another way, He'd given me lots of little practices along the way of submitting my will to His.
O.K. With His help I can do this. I started looking into becoming a missionary -- starting the process over again of seeing who I was in light of not being who I thought I was going to be (a wife, a mother).
It was then, that He gave me my wildest dream and I met my dream-boat. It was better (and harder) than I'd imagined possible. The last lesson in the death of a dream and completely submitting my future to God was part of the process for me. It may be part of your journey, too.
Giving up is bad - it's quitting. Giving in is bad - it's settling. Giving your dreams to God as a gift is sometimes, maybe lots of times, what He asks of us. As He's hanging there on his cross with His arms outstretched, He's asking "Do you love me like I love you?" We have to say 'yes.' He's trustworthy without yes.
Lesson #1 To Thine Own Self Be True
Lesson #2 Becoming Who You're Meant To Be
Lesson #3 Draw me a picture
Lesson #4 Shake the Trees
You've experienced the patience of Job and it's been an unreasonable time period. I was in year 8 of this process before I hit this stage. I spent 2 years on Lesson 1, and did 2, 3 & 4 simultaneously (thus the slow progress) for another 6 years. When I give warnings, I speak from whence I came.
At year 8 I started playing with fire and considered settling. How long is a healthy American girl supposed to wait??? I was wrong. It was completely wrong for me to throw away my dream. O.K. I learned about that one the hard way. But I'm still stuck, year 9 is approaching and no dream-boat.
It dawned on me. Maybe this wasn't what God wanted from me. I couldn't throw my dream away, but I did have to allow it to die and start the process of birthing a new dream. God!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?? Whatever you want, I'll do -- even if it's not what I want. I just want to be Yours completely.
It wasn't until I hit this place that I finally understood the almost decade long process I'd been through. Understanding myself was important. Becoming who God wanted me to was equally important. Deciding what I wanted from life was important. Making all reasonable efforts toward that end was important. Now, submission to God became the most important thing. I couldn't have submitted all of me if I didn't know who I was. I couldn't have given Him everything if I wasn't willing to be remade in His image. I couldn't give Him every part of my dreams if I didn't know what they were. I would be a less-than-worthy servant if I weren't willing to work for the dreams He'd placed in me. Now I needed to give all that work to Him like burning paper in a fire.
It. Was. So. Hard.
In one way it hurt more than anything had before because it was something I'd done and gained with Him. In another way, He'd given me lots of little practices along the way of submitting my will to His.
O.K. With His help I can do this. I started looking into becoming a missionary -- starting the process over again of seeing who I was in light of not being who I thought I was going to be (a wife, a mother).
It was then, that He gave me my wildest dream and I met my dream-boat. It was better (and harder) than I'd imagined possible. The last lesson in the death of a dream and completely submitting my future to God was part of the process for me. It may be part of your journey, too.
Giving up is bad - it's quitting. Giving in is bad - it's settling. Giving your dreams to God as a gift is sometimes, maybe lots of times, what He asks of us. As He's hanging there on his cross with His arms outstretched, He's asking "Do you love me like I love you?" We have to say 'yes.' He's trustworthy without yes.
Every quest ends in Him.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Spouse Questing 101 : Lesson #4 Shake the Trees
I had no qualms or misgivings that I WANTED to be married and I was seeking it actively, hungrily, like seeking employment or a place to live or new friends.
When you shake the trees, a coconut or two may fall on your head -- but you may also find the dinner you're looking for.
You've gone through the looooong process and
...you know who you are.
...you've become someone who is in a position to get what you want.
...you know what you want.
Now, you need to make it happen.
This is often a step many people jump to when still unprepared. They want to find someone fantastic, but they haven't done the work on themselves to become someone fantastic or they find someone who's a great fit for themselves, but can't hold on to them because their lack of virtues keeps them from being "marriage material."
This is also a step many people don't quite get to (and it's important). It's like paying for the car and forgetting to drive it off the lot. You and God have done all this hard work on you and you're worth having. Often, people who don't go out to make their dream happen just don't feel like their worth in obtaining it.
There is a third group of people who don't want to go out and make their dreams happen -- they want to stay home and let God bring the right person to them. This type of person is given over to prayer and is completely accepting of God's will. Please make sure you are close enough to God to accept every part of His will, even the death of your dream, with the same joyful acceptance as you would the fulfillment of it. Don't use spirituality as a cover for fear or laziness -- it won't end well. I'm not saying God is obligated to send you your dream-boat. However, you and He have prayerfully worked together toward this end and to not reach for the prize is just silly.
The first thing you should do is pray, pray, pray. Then, look around. Where are you likely to find this dream-boat you dreamed up? At a bar or at church? Should you look in the singles ads online or at CatholicMatch.com? Join a ski club if it's an activity you'd be interested in (it might have the added bonus of your dream-come-true being there).
Continue to put yourself in places and positions where you might find the kind of spouse you want - bible study, try another church within your denomination, help out a soup kitchen, etc. When you have an attitude of openness to meet new people and try new experiences, you're going to have the body language and social skills that enable you to be an approachable person. Don't forget to pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
At this stage of the game, it's vital that you don't slip into one of the world's lies - that who you and God have helped you become isn't enough. You don't need to dress immodestly or throw yourself at someone. You're not less-than because you haven't found the right person, yet. You don't want to loose your identity and allow your behavior or choices to undermine who you've become. Don't settle for anything less than the complete fulfillment of your dream.
When you shake the trees, a coconut or two may fall on your head -- but you may also find the dinner you're looking for.
You've gone through the looooong process and
...you know who you are.
...you've become someone who is in a position to get what you want.
...you know what you want.
Now, you need to make it happen.
This is often a step many people jump to when still unprepared. They want to find someone fantastic, but they haven't done the work on themselves to become someone fantastic or they find someone who's a great fit for themselves, but can't hold on to them because their lack of virtues keeps them from being "marriage material."
This is also a step many people don't quite get to (and it's important). It's like paying for the car and forgetting to drive it off the lot. You and God have done all this hard work on you and you're worth having. Often, people who don't go out to make their dream happen just don't feel like their worth in obtaining it.
There is a third group of people who don't want to go out and make their dreams happen -- they want to stay home and let God bring the right person to them. This type of person is given over to prayer and is completely accepting of God's will. Please make sure you are close enough to God to accept every part of His will, even the death of your dream, with the same joyful acceptance as you would the fulfillment of it. Don't use spirituality as a cover for fear or laziness -- it won't end well. I'm not saying God is obligated to send you your dream-boat. However, you and He have prayerfully worked together toward this end and to not reach for the prize is just silly.
The first thing you should do is pray, pray, pray. Then, look around. Where are you likely to find this dream-boat you dreamed up? At a bar or at church? Should you look in the singles ads online or at CatholicMatch.com? Join a ski club if it's an activity you'd be interested in (it might have the added bonus of your dream-come-true being there).
Continue to put yourself in places and positions where you might find the kind of spouse you want - bible study, try another church within your denomination, help out a soup kitchen, etc. When you have an attitude of openness to meet new people and try new experiences, you're going to have the body language and social skills that enable you to be an approachable person. Don't forget to pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
At this stage of the game, it's vital that you don't slip into one of the world's lies - that who you and God have helped you become isn't enough. You don't need to dress immodestly or throw yourself at someone. You're not less-than because you haven't found the right person, yet. You don't want to loose your identity and allow your behavior or choices to undermine who you've become. Don't settle for anything less than the complete fulfillment of your dream.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Spouse Questing 101 : Lesson #3 Draw me a picture
I read Should I Marry Him? and thought it was an excellent article on the topic.
When I was looking for a husband I had a picture in my mind of what sort of man he needed to be. It was a list of what I wanted/needed in a man. I was looking for an overall well balanced human being and I had the list divided into categories that deal with his whole person : mind, spirit, physical & future - this is a random order. Even while I was dating, the priorities on this list sort of jockeyed back and forth for top position -- none on the list was expendable:
Spiritual
#1 Job - Pray. Know yourself well enough to know what you want. Pray.
#2 Job - Pray. Draw a picture of what your ideal spouse would look like. Put it on paper. Read it over. Look for those same characteristics in your dad, uncle, best guy friend. Pray. If you find a characteristic you want in your husband, add it to the list. Tape to your bedroom wall. Pray.
When I was looking for a husband I had a picture in my mind of what sort of man he needed to be. It was a list of what I wanted/needed in a man. I was looking for an overall well balanced human being and I had the list divided into categories that deal with his whole person : mind, spirit, physical & future - this is a random order. Even while I was dating, the priorities on this list sort of jockeyed back and forth for top position -- none on the list was expendable:
Spiritual
- Fidelity - he had to be someone that wouldn't go out on me and cheat. I didn't want to be ANYONE's sloppy seconds. I was worth more than that.
- Character Virtues - like honesty, integrity, etc. It's nothing you can train a man to have -- either he comes to you with a solid character or he's not worth having. His parents either did a good job in this area or they didn't.
- Have a relationship with Christ - This was really important and often showed itself by having the above virtues. I looked for fruit of this in their lives like compassion, maturity, and balance in their reactions to stressful situations. As I personally grew in my Catholic faith, this evolved into wanting a Christ-centered Catholic husband. After dating some very nice men from different denominations, I knew the world-view differences could tear us apart and I needed someone who at the minimum would be willing to convert.
- Intelligent - I really wanted someone who was smart enough to look up to. What was inside his mind was as attractive to me, if not more attractive, than how he looked. He didn't have to be 'book-smart', he could be fabulous with fixing things or a math-whiz, but an area he'd tilled the soil of his mind to become someone who excelled.
- Common Sense -- I wanted to be secure in relying on his judgment, particularly in areas that I'm weaker.
- Secure Self-Identity -- I wanted a man who knew who he was. It's hard to respect someone who doesn't have a good self-identity (you can feel sorry for them, but not respect them). I also wanted someone who was confident enough in himself, to allow me to be myself. If I decided to start a business, go back to school, take up para-sailing or painting, I didn't want a husband who was too insecure to allow me to follow my dreams -- even the ones I hadn't started to dream yet. Plus, I have a VERY strong personality and I wanted someone who could hold their own with me. I didn't want a puppet, but a man.
- Be madly into ME -- I didn't want someone who was in love with love -or- didn't respect my boundaries -or- just wanted to talk about himself...but someone who thought the sun rose and set on ME and wanted to make ME happy more than he wanted to please himself.
- Treat me like a Princess - I wanted a knight who valued my dignity and treated me with kid gloves. I knew that, as a helpmate & a nurturer, it's easy for a woman to be taken for granted. Even while that's bound to happen, I wanted a man who would be looking out for my best interest - looking for my better-self, not just use me. Using isn't relegated to the physical, but things like watching what I wanted on TV or deferring to my wishes in multiple situations. *ALSO* this category was vital to the safety of myself and my future daughters. A man, no matter his stature, is stronger than a woman. An angry man is really, really, really strong. They are potentially very dangerous. I wanted a man who could keep his anger in check, no matter how mad I made him.
- Hard Worker - I explain this under "Looking to the Future".
- Perfect kissing height - I'm 5'6", so to stand with feet firmly planted (not on tip toe) and have to tip my head back in a comfortable position, he needed to be about 5'10. [at the time I didn't realize how much our kissing would be when one of us is sitting down and the other is leaving the room]
- Hard Worker - Even if we didn't accumulate financially, (which would be nice but wasn't top on my list), I wanted someone who wasn't lazy. I'd seen fun, lazy dads who allowed their children to suffer from want of something and who didn't go get a second job, go back to school, or do whatever it took to care for their family. I wanted a dad who would provide for his family.
- Nurturing - I was NOT just looking for a husband. I was choosing a father for the 5 or 6 kids I wanted to have. The example of a dad for a boy who will eventually become a man is immeasurable - he needs a model to know HOW to become a man. The gentleness and attention a girl needs from her daddy to become confident and secure can not be replaced by anything else.
I studied a prospective mate like I was going to have to take a test on him. I am/was a child of divorce and knew the devastating consequences of failing this test. I wasn't willing to put any sweet baby God gave me through the pain of being ripped limb from limb that divorce brings with it.
I didn't go into this process thinking I could change a man. A man is a man, and is often an immovable object. They will change, as will you, but not in ways that can be foreseen or manipulated, even by the best of intentions. I'd seen very very sorrowful women try to change the men in their lives and it left them with regret.
I didn't go into this process thinking I could change a man. A man is a man, and is often an immovable object. They will change, as will you, but not in ways that can be foreseen or manipulated, even by the best of intentions. I'd seen very very sorrowful women try to change the men in their lives and it left them with regret.
After you've made your list - read this article by Elizabeth Foss. Balance and competing advice from another loving Catholic mom all help you mature and see the world in all its complexity.
#1 Job - Pray. Know yourself well enough to know what you want. Pray.
#2 Job - Pray. Draw a picture of what your ideal spouse would look like. Put it on paper. Read it over. Look for those same characteristics in your dad, uncle, best guy friend. Pray. If you find a characteristic you want in your husband, add it to the list. Tape to your bedroom wall. Pray.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Spouse Questing 101 : Lesson #2 Becoming Who You're Meant To Be
If you want to marry someone worth having, you have to become a person worth having by someone who is that spectacular. Do you have healthy habits that contribute to becoming a wonderful person or that hinder the process?
After a spending a year or two learning Lesson #1 To Thine Own Self Be True, I found that making myself happy wasn't the end of the road. In dreaming my own dreams, I discovered that who I was in the present wasn't living up to who I wanted to be.
My question changed from 'what will make my parents/teachers happy' past through 'what will make me happy?' and transformed into 'How would the person I want to become handle this?'
To even begin to answer the last question, I had to go further up and further in, do some more deep sea diving and soul searching to find out who it was I wanted to become. Explore who you might become. Do things you haven't tried before. Don't do anything illegal or immoral or stupid, but something exciting and different. What would that be?
Is there a movie or book character you admire? What do you like about him : courage? lack of fear? perseverance? joy? confidence? What about someone from history or someone in your own life -- who do you admire and why? Are you a person with those attributes and virtues?
If you don't like what you see in yourself, change it. Our world tells lies, like 'people can't change'. George Washington took a good look at himself and the people around him, wrote down all the attributes he'd like to have - and became them. He's now known as the Father of our Country.
Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The bad news : This leg of the journey can be painful. To let go of childish ways and live as a mature adult in Christ with all the virtues and balance associated with it requires self-control and pounds and pounds of grace. The good news : Christ has an ocean of grace just waiting for us to ask for it. Also, self-discipline/self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit -- just living in a relationship with God (talking to Him, asking His advice, taking His advice, sharing our hurts with Him) opens our soul to bear the fruits of God.
If you think you need it, go to a good Christian Counselor (look for a counselor who comes highly recommended by someone who you think has it all together).
This lesson is more than just a psychological state of mind. If you are a man wanting a wife, you need to be prepared to support the family that comes with the 'fun' parts of marriage. You can't rely on the ability to finish school later or that your family or parents will get you through tough times. To prove yourself able to be marriage material is making a living before you start looking for a wife. By the same token, to look for a husband before you know how to cook a meal, take care of yourself, or are emotionally & spiritually willing and able to set your wants and needs aside for every other person in your family is irresponsible. I'm not saying younger marriages are wrong, that it's impossible for parents to help their married children, or that you have to be accomplished in every area of life before getting married. But part of being a mature Christian is bearing up under the weight of responsibility of your choices. Marriage is a big decision and shouldn't be made quickly or lightly before you've assessed if you're ready.
Becoming who God made you to be is worth the effort. He has a beautiful plan for you and He can be trusted.
Don't believe the lies.
After a spending a year or two learning Lesson #1 To Thine Own Self Be True, I found that making myself happy wasn't the end of the road. In dreaming my own dreams, I discovered that who I was in the present wasn't living up to who I wanted to be.
My question changed from 'what will make my parents/teachers happy' past through 'what will make me happy?' and transformed into 'How would the person I want to become handle this?'
To even begin to answer the last question, I had to go further up and further in, do some more deep sea diving and soul searching to find out who it was I wanted to become. Explore who you might become. Do things you haven't tried before. Don't do anything illegal or immoral or stupid, but something exciting and different. What would that be?
Is there a movie or book character you admire? What do you like about him : courage? lack of fear? perseverance? joy? confidence? What about someone from history or someone in your own life -- who do you admire and why? Are you a person with those attributes and virtues?
If you don't like what you see in yourself, change it. Our world tells lies, like 'people can't change'. George Washington took a good look at himself and the people around him, wrote down all the attributes he'd like to have - and became them. He's now known as the Father of our Country.
Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The bad news : This leg of the journey can be painful. To let go of childish ways and live as a mature adult in Christ with all the virtues and balance associated with it requires self-control and pounds and pounds of grace. The good news : Christ has an ocean of grace just waiting for us to ask for it. Also, self-discipline/self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit -- just living in a relationship with God (talking to Him, asking His advice, taking His advice, sharing our hurts with Him) opens our soul to bear the fruits of God.
If you think you need it, go to a good Christian Counselor (look for a counselor who comes highly recommended by someone who you think has it all together).
This lesson is more than just a psychological state of mind. If you are a man wanting a wife, you need to be prepared to support the family that comes with the 'fun' parts of marriage. You can't rely on the ability to finish school later or that your family or parents will get you through tough times. To prove yourself able to be marriage material is making a living before you start looking for a wife. By the same token, to look for a husband before you know how to cook a meal, take care of yourself, or are emotionally & spiritually willing and able to set your wants and needs aside for every other person in your family is irresponsible. I'm not saying younger marriages are wrong, that it's impossible for parents to help their married children, or that you have to be accomplished in every area of life before getting married. But part of being a mature Christian is bearing up under the weight of responsibility of your choices. Marriage is a big decision and shouldn't be made quickly or lightly before you've assessed if you're ready.
Becoming who God made you to be is worth the effort. He has a beautiful plan for you and He can be trusted.
Don't believe the lies.
- I could never get someone that great
- No one decent would want to care for me
- People don't change
- I could never become that kind of a person (successful, wise, holy)
- I am worth loving.
- God wants me to embrace His plan for me. [He planned it and He placed it in my heart. Who am I to reject the Creator of the Universe?]
- No one will treat me better than I treat myself. [This isn't about indulging yourself, but taking good care of yourself.]
- Even if it looks impossible, God will help me. [This process can take years. Don't be daunted. The years will slip by no matter what. It would be a shame if you still didn't know yourself.]
- This task is hard -- but hard work never hurt anyone.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Spouse Questing 101 : Lesson #1 To Thine Own Self Be True
Some of my children are old enough to start looking around at the world (and their future) and asking questions. Here are some answers to questions they've asked (and haven't asked).
Lesson #1 - Know yourself well enough to know what you want. If you don't know who you are, you're bound to make massive mistakes in choosing a spouse.
Learn about yourself. Write letters to yourself -- what do you want to say? Is your self-talk negative? Are you the person you wish you were? Who is the person you wish you were? Talk to healthy friends and ask them what you're like - have them describe you in phrases or single words. Are you really that person they think you are? What would your enemies or people who don't like you say? Are you really that person they think you are?
Do you feel free to dream your own dreams of yourself? If not, why not? What is standing in your way? What are the dreams? Don't worry if they're attainable, worry if you throw them away without trying for them. Is that everything you want to be? God has a plan for you, are you fulfilling it?
What about the relationships in your life -- are you truly happy (or just settling for what comes) with the way people treat you? You know you have to teach people how to treat you. What about the way you treat them? What goes around comes around (meaning you can't expect to have good friends until you ARE a good friend.)
When I was a teenager, Hamlet was required reading for English class. Even though the guy giving the advice wasn't worthy of respect, his advice was.
I read it. I let it become part of me. I recited it to myself during trying & unsure times. God made me with His plan for my life and He holds me with a dignity that I have to imitate in the way I treat myself.
My questions changed from 'what will make my parents/teachers happy' to 'what will make me happy?' Not the indulgence eating-a-pound-of-chocolate happy, but the healthy eating-a-balanced-diet-and-training-for-a-marathon-and-winning kind of happy. I was looking for the deep down genuinely proud-of-myself-for-accomplishing-what-I-wasn't-sure-I-could happy. The I-can-look-myself-in-the-mirror kind of happy. The I'd-be-thrilled-to-include-my-younger-siblings-and-grandparents-in-my-behavior kind of happy.
You may have to do some deep sea diving - literally and figuratively. Literally, if the person you want to be lives on the ocean and you live in the land-locked Midwest, do things to start to explore that part of yourself and see if that's who you really are. Figuratively, you may have to do some exploring inside of yourself to see who you really are. Dream some dreams for yourself an then act on a few to explore a side of you that even you didn't know about. Do you love to look at artwork? Pick up a brush and paint and see if that's who you are. Do you thrill at the way a horse runs through a field? Call several stables and see if they'll exchange your free labor for riding lessons. Do you miss the way the wind used to blow past your face when you were little on the swing set? Take up running and see if you're not more capable than you expected.
Once you find you have a knack, don't let someone else define what you're capable of doing with it. You can ask for healthy advice, but this is about your dreams for yourself. *AND* be careful with your dreams. Protect them. This is an application for the bible verse about not throwing your pearls before swine. If there is a dream killer in your life (or several), nurture your dreams within yourself and explore them a bit on your own so they've taken root and are healthy & growing inside your mind, before you share them with someone who may be a dream killer. Some of your dreams are just fanciful wishes. But some are dreams that God has dreamed just for you and placed in your mind. Nurture them and protect them before you expose them to the elements.
This activity of knowing yourself and exploring who God made you to be can take some time. I spent 1-2 years actively learning how to apply 'To Thine Own Self Be True" in many situations so I could lovingly "not then be false to any man." Stay here a while. Who are you? What are your dreams? Are you happy with the relationships & experiences in your life?
If you're not sure of the answer to any of the many questions above; ask Him -- He knows you better than you know yourself. And you're worth knowing. So get to know yourself -- well.
Lesson #1 - Know yourself well enough to know what you want. If you don't know who you are, you're bound to make massive mistakes in choosing a spouse.
Learn about yourself. Write letters to yourself -- what do you want to say? Is your self-talk negative? Are you the person you wish you were? Who is the person you wish you were? Talk to healthy friends and ask them what you're like - have them describe you in phrases or single words. Are you really that person they think you are? What would your enemies or people who don't like you say? Are you really that person they think you are?
Do you feel free to dream your own dreams of yourself? If not, why not? What is standing in your way? What are the dreams? Don't worry if they're attainable, worry if you throw them away without trying for them. Is that everything you want to be? God has a plan for you, are you fulfilling it?
What about the relationships in your life -- are you truly happy (or just settling for what comes) with the way people treat you? You know you have to teach people how to treat you. What about the way you treat them? What goes around comes around (meaning you can't expect to have good friends until you ARE a good friend.)
When I was a teenager, Hamlet was required reading for English class. Even though the guy giving the advice wasn't worthy of respect, his advice was.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
My questions changed from 'what will make my parents/teachers happy' to 'what will make me happy?' Not the indulgence eating-a-pound-of-chocolate happy, but the healthy eating-a-balanced-diet-and-training-for-a-marathon-and-winning kind of happy. I was looking for the deep down genuinely proud-of-myself-for-accomplishing-what-I-wasn't-sure-I-could happy. The I-can-look-myself-in-the-mirror kind of happy. The I'd-be-thrilled-to-include-my-younger-siblings-and-grandparents-in-my-behavior kind of happy.
You may have to do some deep sea diving - literally and figuratively. Literally, if the person you want to be lives on the ocean and you live in the land-locked Midwest, do things to start to explore that part of yourself and see if that's who you really are. Figuratively, you may have to do some exploring inside of yourself to see who you really are. Dream some dreams for yourself an then act on a few to explore a side of you that even you didn't know about. Do you love to look at artwork? Pick up a brush and paint and see if that's who you are. Do you thrill at the way a horse runs through a field? Call several stables and see if they'll exchange your free labor for riding lessons. Do you miss the way the wind used to blow past your face when you were little on the swing set? Take up running and see if you're not more capable than you expected.
Once you find you have a knack, don't let someone else define what you're capable of doing with it. You can ask for healthy advice, but this is about your dreams for yourself. *AND* be careful with your dreams. Protect them. This is an application for the bible verse about not throwing your pearls before swine. If there is a dream killer in your life (or several), nurture your dreams within yourself and explore them a bit on your own so they've taken root and are healthy & growing inside your mind, before you share them with someone who may be a dream killer. Some of your dreams are just fanciful wishes. But some are dreams that God has dreamed just for you and placed in your mind. Nurture them and protect them before you expose them to the elements.
This activity of knowing yourself and exploring who God made you to be can take some time. I spent 1-2 years actively learning how to apply 'To Thine Own Self Be True" in many situations so I could lovingly "not then be false to any man." Stay here a while. Who are you? What are your dreams? Are you happy with the relationships & experiences in your life?
If you're not sure of the answer to any of the many questions above; ask Him -- He knows you better than you know yourself. And you're worth knowing. So get to know yourself -- well.
Monday, December 13, 2010
My favorite part of the morning
OK, after Mass with the Franciscan Brothers Minor, my favorite part of the morning in my favorite cup -
Coffee
I love the color (beige -- it goes with any mood) and the texture (not at all rough, but not completely smooth) and the weight of this cup. I love the prayer ("Oro et laboro" = "Pray and work" by St. Benedict). That's to say nothing of the steaming, strengthening liquid inside! I LOOOOOVE coffee mugs!! I used to buy myself a new one every school year. It made me too sad when the kids broke them, so I quit buying cool mugs. This was a gift from my friend, Ursula!
I love the color (beige -- it goes with any mood) and the texture (not at all rough, but not completely smooth) and the weight of this cup. I love the prayer ("Oro et laboro" = "Pray and work" by St. Benedict). That's to say nothing of the steaming, strengthening liquid inside! I LOOOOOVE coffee mugs!! I used to buy myself a new one every school year. It made me too sad when the kids broke them, so I quit buying cool mugs. This was a gift from my friend, Ursula!
Friday, November 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
This is a quote from me. It belongs under the category of "Things a person should never HAVE to say."
Me (on the phone)
My friend who has 1 girl and 1 infant boy (on the phone)
Me
Me (on the phone)
Hold on, I think I hear the sound of pretzels being thrown against the chandelier.
My friend who has 1 girl and 1 infant boy (on the phone)
WAIT! You KNOW what the sound of pretzels being thrown against the chandelier sounds like?
Me
You will, too, someday.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Nursery Rhyme Baby Shower
Theme
I was really excited to throw my sister, Sara's baby shower. I decided among other ideas (rubber ducky party, ) that I'd throw a "Nursery Rhyme" theme party. I searched for Mother Goose Books. I ended up buying The Real Mother Goose because it had sooo many nursery rhymes in it. The pictures, however quaint, weren't inspiring. I bought the Golden Book of Fairy Tales. It had seriously great pictures, but no nursery rhymes -- all fairy tales.THEN...I found Ruth Sanderson's Mother Goose and Friends. The front cover doesn't do the book justice. The entire book is a work of art!! You can go to her website to see the artwork from several of her books including this one. It was just the inspiration I needed.
I went with the non-creative, but standard wording...
Invitations
For invitations, I called around & Office Depot had the best price. They turned out beautiful!I went with the non-creative, but standard wording...
Hey, diddle, diddle!
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon;
The little dog laughed
to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
Hey, diddle, diddle!
We can tell by Sara’s middle,
Baby Henry is coming soon;
You can bring them gifts
and celebrate,
At the shower, an hour after noon.
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon;
The little dog laughed
to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
Hey, diddle, diddle!
We can tell by Sara’s middle,
Baby Henry is coming soon;
You can bring them gifts
and celebrate,
At the shower, an hour after noon.
Food
We made a tent card with the nursery rhyme that goes with each dish
- Sandwiches : Roast Beef Roll-ups w/ toothpicks - This Little Piggy
- Salad : Em's Casa Salad - Contrary Mary's Garden
- Cheesy Potato Soup - The Winds
- Hot Beef Dip & Crackers - Over the Water
- Veggie Tray - Peter Rabbit's Garden
- Fruit Tray - Curly-Locks
- Chocolate Covered Strawberries - Curly-Locks
- Emma's Cookie Basket - A Tisket A Tasket
- Pumpkin Pound Cake - Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater
- Kate's Cake was based on this cake - Twinkle Twinkle
- Em's Cake was based on this cake - Mother Goose
- Apple Cider - An Apple A Day
- Tea - Polly Put the Kettle On
- Coffee - Coffee and Tea
- lots of fresh spring water in a decorated bucket from Jack and Jill
- cheese tray that also has cheese curds for Little Miss Muffet's Curds and Whey or 3 blind Mice
- deviled eggs Humpty Dumpty
- Pat-a-cakes cupcakes
- Little Boy Blueberry muffins
- muffins for the Muffin Man
- Low fat trifle for Georgie Porgie’s pudding
- Little Gingerbread Men
- Avacado Boats - put sails in them and make guacamole
- An apple a day Sends the doctor away Apple in the morning Doctor's warning Roast apple at night Starves the doctor outright Eat an apple going to bed Knock the doctor on the head Three each day, seven days a week Ruddy apple, ruddy cheek
- Nuts - I Had a Little Nut Tree
- Hot beef dip = Over The Water
- Ice Cream, a Penny a Lump
- Ice cream, a penny a lump! The more you eat, the more you jump. Eeper, Weeper, Chimney sweeper, Married a wife and could not keep her. Married another, Did not love her, Up the chimney he did shove her!
Coffee = Cross Patch, Draw The Latch -Cross Patch, draw the latch, Sit by the fire and spin; Take up a cup, and drink it up, Then call the neighbors in.
Décor
- figurines : little boy -- Little Boy Blue / Girl - Mary Contrary / bath toys puppy, cat, cow - Hey diddle, diddle / pigs -- boys need to build a house of sticks / sheep --
- popsicle stick house & fence w/ paper pigs
- hanging from chandelier: cow jumping over the moon paper - bath toys cat w/ paper fiddle taped on / plastic spoon & construction paper dish holding hands (chenille sticks) / dog
- Create a Hickory Dickory Dock centerpiece using a clock and a toy mouse
- Use children's books opened to various nursery rhymes to decorate tables around the party space & Bear reading - http://baby.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Storybook_Baby_Shower have all books w/stuffed animals
- chocolates
- Peter Rabbit
- pic
- Put prints into cheap frames and spread around room or tape onto walls
- Create a 'goose nest' for guests to deposit baby shower gifts
- decorate your shower venue with nursery decorations.
- One table could have a black sheep (for Ba Ba Black Sheep)
- If you or someone you know has one of those big, white, garden geese statues handy, tie a bonnet or a large hat to the statue's head to create your very own Mother Goose
- Wooly Sheep ornaments, then use as party favors
- pic
Music
http://www.mothergooserocks.com/
Games
- Name The Nursery Rhyme – We list 20 short phrases included in popular nursery rhymes. You may think it’s easy to fill in the rest of the rhyme along with the title, but we’ve found a few that are pretty challenging. Don’t worry, we also provide an ans wer key!
- Nursery Rhyme Jeopardy
- Mad Libs story about the guest of honor I wrote based on this one.
- Meanings of Rhymes
Party Favors
(we didn't end up using these...but some ideas on the theme I collected)
(we didn't end up using these...but some ideas on the theme I collected)
- star-themed book marks (twinkle, twinkle / star light, star bright / when you wish upon a)
- $20/4 Nursery glassware
- Individually wrap hot cross buns or muffins in pastel cellophane and tie with a contrasting ribbon. Attach a computer generated thank you note bearing an image of Mo ther Goose. Write the name of the nursery rhyme that the favor represents on the card and a thank you for the Mom to Be. Let her hand out the favors when the party is over.
- bulbs or plants from Contrary Mary’s garden
- miniature pie from Sing a Song of Sixpence
- beeswax candle – Jack Be Nimble
- copy a quote from your favorite nursery rhyme and have it printed on coffee mugs, or potholders for everyone
- Personalized candles in baby food jars
- "Polly Put the Kettle On" tea bags or “I’m a Little Teapot”
I just HAVE to show what my friend, Jackie, made for my sister.
jaclyn at simplyelegantfw.com
I was so glad she had the gumption (and skill) I didn't so i could give my sister some beautiful things all from Jackie's hands. Everything was soo well made!
I absolutely LOVED the blanket and the wipes cover that matches her diaper bag was so sweet!
Sunday, October 03, 2010
It all comes down to love
Love is...
...not freaking out when your 2 year old wants to kiss and cuddle and breathes on you while he has a bad cold knowing you're probably going to catch his cold.
...picking him up and holding him even though he just threw a fit in church and he doesn't feel so adorable right now.
...letting your 8 year old snuggle with you in bed even though he didn't clean his room the 3 times you reminded him and you're still pretty miffed at him.
...admiring his artwork that you really don't care about that moment, just because HE cares about it.
...letting your 10 year old have an extra 20 minutes of a computer math game even though he tends to obsess about computer games because he has to have room to practice SELF-discipline.
...letting him try and struggle to read in front of a group of people because he thinks he can do it and you don't want to tell him otherwise.
...listening to your 12 year old's story of what happened at youth group even though your head hurts after catching the 2 year old's cold.
...pushing through the tears and yelling and being patient and encouraging while she discovers what you already knew -- she really IS capable of doing hard school.
...including your 14 year old in the talk you're having with your friend because she wants to feel like she's growing up.
...hosting a high school literature class for all your daughter's friends, even though it's her strongest subject and she doesn't need the help and it's costing you many hours of extra study to prepare it just because she loves it so much.
...feeling stretched in everyway but Tuesday because each of the kids have a different passion and enjoy different activities, but the desires of each child is just as important as the others.
...ironing the kids' clothes for Mass week after week so your husband doesn't have to.
...doing all the mom stuff you don't want to like meal planning, sorting clothes for the season change, cleaning the house for the 3rd time that day.
This is love.
And it's a beautiful way to live.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
What's on YOUR nightstand?
Does it really say something about you? I'm not sure about that. I like my nightstand FULL -- all my stuff is convenient if I can't sleep through the night (which rarely happens). I also like multiple options depending on what I feel like reading that night.
What's on YOUR nightstand?
Back Row :
- A cup with : pens, pencils, highlighter, sissors, scrap paper, Burt's Beeswax foot creme, diaper rash creme, an often read Elizabeth Foss article After the Nativity , thermometer, and baby lotion
- Mary Kay facial lotion, baby powder & a candle (high enough that Dave won't think the flame is in danger of the other stuff on the nightstand
- A Handbook on Guadalupe
- The Once and Future King a library book to be read when we're done with Phantom Tollbooth is done as a read aloud.
- Founding Of Christendom: History Of Christendom Vol 1
- Theology Of The Body For Beginners
- CD's of workshops from the Cincinnati Homeschool Convention that a friend attended and let me borrow her CD set. (I've had them for a year, now. I think it's time to return them. *BEWARE of allowing Jenn to borrow things.*)
- The Catholic Faith Handbook for Youth, Second Edition and lesson plans to substitute teach for a 7th grade CCD class -- the book is really excellent for a year of religion class. It's deeper and a little more challenging than Faith & Life.
- The God Who Loves You: Love Divine, All Loves Excelling This isn't one of Peter Kreeft's usual chatty books. It's been a a little dry but just as deep as anything Kreeft explores.
- Imprimis the free digest magazine of speeches from Hillsdale College
- Memoria Press Catalog which is also full of articles, entitled The Classical Teacher
- Mater Eucharistae the newsletter of my FAVORITE, WONDERFUL Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist
- Institute for Excellence in Writing Catalog
- 2 rosaries - one for me and one for the next kid who can't sleep. Praying a rosary does wonders for not being able to sleep.
By the way, this is Dave's night stand. A sound machine and an alarm clock. Never anything else. What does that say?? (Utility and order are more important than self-expression? He doesn't find the luxury of lounging in bed exciting enough to hang out there?) I'm just saying, it's worth pondering.
What's on YOUR nightstand?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Moms need mentors, too!
I saw on Elizabeth Foss' blog a request of what your experience has been with having a mentor or being a mentor to other moms. I sent this in :
I'll be 42 this spring and have 5 children ages 14-2. We homeschool and I have begged God to send me a mentor in how to do this mom-thing. I have felt alone in accomplishing much of what I think is important. Our culture didn't have an image of how to find a loving Christian man to be the father to my yet-to-be children. There's no pictures of how to raise a family dedicated to Christ. It's been me and Jesus through most of my life and I ached and cried out to God for a mentor. Often, I'd find a book and now a blog to answer my questions. Sometimes an encouraging phone call, but never a woman to come alongside me and show me how it's done. Instead of answering my pleas directly, God has put a passion for assisting other women so they don't have to 'go it alone.'
I was the first in our group of friends to get married, and planned our wedding alone. Now I always offer to help anyone I know plan their wedding.
We lost most of our social life when we got married as everything had been geared to singles and dating. Our interests changed and we weren't interested in the same activities. During my first pregnancy, we still hadn't made many inroads to finding a new social circle and I was very sick, and had to quit my job. We didn't have much support and as lay in the dark day after day, hour after hour trying not to throw up, I was very alone. When I find a young couple with a child or two, I invite them over for dinner with their children. It can be so hard to make that connection for a young mom who's exhausted and possibly overwhelmed with the changes in her life and lifestyle.
I was lonely during our first year of homeschooling and had a really hard time 'breaking in' to find friends for my daughter and myself. I didn't want others in my area to struggle with that kind of loneliness if I could help it. I thought a photo directory of all the members of our Catholic homeschool group would help, a website, and a weekly e-mail update of prayer requests, events, changes to schedules, items for sale, etc. I also help greet new homeschoolers and give them my home number to contact me for any questions. I give out my blog address so people can find resources without having to contact me if they'd rather not.
One of the most productive things I do to help young families is invite them into my messy home to see how we really live and answer questions about homeschooling. It can take hours out of our day to reassure someone on the phone or have someone over and it is a sacrifice to my children as well as myself at times. I feel that it's a gift God is calling us to make. The busy-ness of our lives is a gift - in particular when compared with the loneliness my daughter and I experienced when we started homeschooling. Homeschoolers have their own way of thinking and doing and coordinating efforts. The attitudes and resources vary by family and yet most are in complete contrast to our culture at large. It can take time to acclimate yourself and your child to this beautiful, unexplored world -- but it is so worth the journey.
God has given us a vision of what a family is -- not because I've seen it, but because I've dreamed it. I've longed for the sight of it and instead, God has lead us to live it. With all our faults and weaknesses, I'd like to show someone who longs to see it - the vision of what our families are meant to be can really exist, even in today's world which denies that family is important. From knowing how to quiet a fussy baby to feeding a family cheaply to working with a child's natural strengths in school to shore up their weaknesses; from ADHD to finding quiet in our lives and learning how to love and live with our spouses... the women of this generation have not been taught. I see the need to show them.
The loneliness I've felt has not gone unnoticed by God. He has allowed me to become something I wasn't before. The pain of becoming is like a birth. Through the pain and struggle, God allows you and me to become a new creation. I was squeezed and stretched until I felt like I'd break. I would cry out to God in the brokenness of many long wakeful nights with a sick baby. I would scream 'uncle' when faced with a perpetually defiant child. I'd choke on my tears as I sobbed when faced with my own weaknesses and failings. Where was this God who was supposed to bring comfort and joy? He wouldn't take my pain away. I couldn't understand a loving God leaving me in pain. I was sure that being pregnant while caring for a toddler was on the same range of torture as prison camp. Let alone the depression accompanying a difficult pregnancy.
Although I was lonely, He didn't leave me alone in my pain. Instead of putting me back together the way I was before, He'd mold me into someone more compassionate and sensitive to other people's pain. He took my pain and one by one is replacing my vices with virtue as I become.
There's also the Visitation. I know what I feel like in early pregnancy and Mary had just conceived when she made the difficult journey to Elizabeth. And Elizabeth was an elderly woman with her first pregnancy -- I'd think serious pain was involved. But they were there to comfort each other. Then they each went off and made their journey with God, strengthened from their visit with each other. There is something healing in sharing my pain -- and watching another mother's burden lighten over coffee, if even for an hour.
In addition to the work He's done (and is doing) in me, I had eyes that saw the world differently. I would go to the store and see it on a young mother's face - her frustration, her fear, her pain, her potential to become...become His. Pain in myself and others isn't something to be avoided. I don't seek an aspirin to mask the pain. I seek the Great Physician to heal me -- and make me healthier and stronger than I was before. He will help me, and you, become.
I'll be 42 this spring and have 5 children ages 14-2. We homeschool and I have begged God to send me a mentor in how to do this mom-thing. I have felt alone in accomplishing much of what I think is important. Our culture didn't have an image of how to find a loving Christian man to be the father to my yet-to-be children. There's no pictures of how to raise a family dedicated to Christ. It's been me and Jesus through most of my life and I ached and cried out to God for a mentor. Often, I'd find a book and now a blog to answer my questions. Sometimes an encouraging phone call, but never a woman to come alongside me and show me how it's done. Instead of answering my pleas directly, God has put a passion for assisting other women so they don't have to 'go it alone.'
I was the first in our group of friends to get married, and planned our wedding alone. Now I always offer to help anyone I know plan their wedding.
We lost most of our social life when we got married as everything had been geared to singles and dating. Our interests changed and we weren't interested in the same activities. During my first pregnancy, we still hadn't made many inroads to finding a new social circle and I was very sick, and had to quit my job. We didn't have much support and as lay in the dark day after day, hour after hour trying not to throw up, I was very alone. When I find a young couple with a child or two, I invite them over for dinner with their children. It can be so hard to make that connection for a young mom who's exhausted and possibly overwhelmed with the changes in her life and lifestyle.
I was lonely during our first year of homeschooling and had a really hard time 'breaking in' to find friends for my daughter and myself. I didn't want others in my area to struggle with that kind of loneliness if I could help it. I thought a photo directory of all the members of our Catholic homeschool group would help, a website, and a weekly e-mail update of prayer requests, events, changes to schedules, items for sale, etc. I also help greet new homeschoolers and give them my home number to contact me for any questions. I give out my blog address so people can find resources without having to contact me if they'd rather not.
One of the most productive things I do to help young families is invite them into my messy home to see how we really live and answer questions about homeschooling. It can take hours out of our day to reassure someone on the phone or have someone over and it is a sacrifice to my children as well as myself at times. I feel that it's a gift God is calling us to make. The busy-ness of our lives is a gift - in particular when compared with the loneliness my daughter and I experienced when we started homeschooling. Homeschoolers have their own way of thinking and doing and coordinating efforts. The attitudes and resources vary by family and yet most are in complete contrast to our culture at large. It can take time to acclimate yourself and your child to this beautiful, unexplored world -- but it is so worth the journey.
God has given us a vision of what a family is -- not because I've seen it, but because I've dreamed it. I've longed for the sight of it and instead, God has lead us to live it. With all our faults and weaknesses, I'd like to show someone who longs to see it - the vision of what our families are meant to be can really exist, even in today's world which denies that family is important. From knowing how to quiet a fussy baby to feeding a family cheaply to working with a child's natural strengths in school to shore up their weaknesses; from ADHD to finding quiet in our lives and learning how to love and live with our spouses... the women of this generation have not been taught. I see the need to show them.
Then the LORD answered me and said: Write down the vision Clearly upon the
tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its
time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for
it, it will surely come, it will not be late. Habakkuk 2:2-3
The loneliness I've felt has not gone unnoticed by God. He has allowed me to become something I wasn't before. The pain of becoming is like a birth. Through the pain and struggle, God allows you and me to become a new creation. I was squeezed and stretched until I felt like I'd break. I would cry out to God in the brokenness of many long wakeful nights with a sick baby. I would scream 'uncle' when faced with a perpetually defiant child. I'd choke on my tears as I sobbed when faced with my own weaknesses and failings. Where was this God who was supposed to bring comfort and joy? He wouldn't take my pain away. I couldn't understand a loving God leaving me in pain. I was sure that being pregnant while caring for a toddler was on the same range of torture as prison camp. Let alone the depression accompanying a difficult pregnancy.
Although I was lonely, He didn't leave me alone in my pain. Instead of putting me back together the way I was before, He'd mold me into someone more compassionate and sensitive to other people's pain. He took my pain and one by one is replacing my vices with virtue as I become.
There's also the Visitation. I know what I feel like in early pregnancy and Mary had just conceived when she made the difficult journey to Elizabeth. And Elizabeth was an elderly woman with her first pregnancy -- I'd think serious pain was involved. But they were there to comfort each other. Then they each went off and made their journey with God, strengthened from their visit with each other. There is something healing in sharing my pain -- and watching another mother's burden lighten over coffee, if even for an hour.
In addition to the work He's done (and is doing) in me, I had eyes that saw the world differently. I would go to the store and see it on a young mother's face - her frustration, her fear, her pain, her potential to become...become His. Pain in myself and others isn't something to be avoided. I don't seek an aspirin to mask the pain. I seek the Great Physician to heal me -- and make me healthier and stronger than I was before. He will help me, and you, become.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Rosary Truths & Painful Motherhood (long)
My truth about the rosary is somewhat emotionally void. I really struggle with this prayer.
For years (about the last 8) I've struggled with the reality of who Mary was to me. I've spoken of this to so many of my friends, it seems odd that I haven't written of it in the 3 years of my blog.
My first reality of motherhood is my mom. My personal experience of motherhood has not left me with warm-fuzzy feelings. My relationship with my mom has been hard. There's things it's not polite to write. The openness I desire to share with the world is tempered by the love I desire to show my mom. Even the word mother is struggle for me to define for myself, let alone explain or write down. If you've had a relationship like that, you understand. Our ongoing reconciliation (because there's always more hurt - past and present to get over) is an act of obedience from me to God. Loving my mom is an act of will on my part -- only because it's what God asks of me that keeps me in the relationship. It is God's choice to have my mom in my life, not mine. It's an ongoing, difficult relationship.
My mom has feelings of love for me -- but my mom is not a selfless person. She makes an attempt to show me love, but somehow it rarely hits the mark. And often, there is shrapnel embedded in her arrows of love. In years past I've tried to protect myself, but it's pretty hard to show love to someone while you're hiding behind fortress walls to protect yourself. So, now, I try to minimize the casualties in my heart and rely on Jesus to protect and heal me -- so I can allow her access to my life -- how else do you show love to someone? It's hard.
On the positive side of motherhood was my Grandma Handlin. My grandmother loved me, and I felt loved by her. That one sentence and the word love does little to encompass the depth and breadth of what that relationship was and is to me. A source of strength and a longing to be more than I am because of all she was to me.
So, my understanding of motherhood has been colored by years of pain and struggle. Because of my grandma, I do know what the outline of what true motherhood is supposed to be, but the nuances of what that looks like in real life elude me. I've had to make it up as I go with very little direction of how to get where I want to be.
I've got a disconnection in my mind -- I'm trying to become the kind of mother that the emotional half of my brain screams doesn't exist -- Mothers are dangerous and they can hurt you -- but I have to find a way to become this person -- so my daughters don't have a mother that hurts them.
Now, in my life is Mary. You know, the Mother of God - that Mary. Lots of people have a relationship with Jesus. There are people, lots of people, who can help you with that. Having a relationship with someone who isn't bodily in this world has some challenges, but you can get there -- there are some helps along the way.
Mary is a different story.
At least half of my friends would be a little suspect about attempting a relationship with a dead person, even a saint, who doesn't happen to be God. A divine being (like Jesus) can overcome shortcomings in a non-bodily relationship -- regular dead people, even holy ones, still aren't God. Even my closest, most intimate friends would have pastors who say I'm off the mark in desiring a relationship with Mary. But my closest, most intimate protestant friends are of the most loving variety -- and they love me in spite of my Catholic quirks if not because of them - although they can't give much direction on how to have a relationship with Mary.
I don't get much help from my Catholic friends, either. Either they're on a different spiritual plane than I am, or I'm too emotionally unstable for them, or they can't relate because they had great moms, or they're just too darn busy having babies to help me psychoanalyze my relationship with a dead, albeit holy, non-Deity. Or maybe I've been too hung up to ask.
Another issue is that Mary is mom. We're talking -- Ultimate Motherhood kind of thing. As related above, I have some motherhood issues. My motherhood issues tend to slow down a relationship with Ultimate Motherhood. Remember the emotional screaming half of my brain? And that's the side that's kept me safe for many years -- that's the side that I listen to. It's that still small voice inside when it's not screaming at me. (Please disregard all inferences to multiple personalities. Honestly, I walk around this neurotic all the time -- say a prayer for poor Dave who has to live with me).
For years (about the last 8) I've struggled with the reality of who Mary was to me. I've spoken of this to so many of my friends, it seems odd that I haven't written of it in the 3 years of my blog.
My first reality of motherhood is my mom. My personal experience of motherhood has not left me with warm-fuzzy feelings. My relationship with my mom has been hard. There's things it's not polite to write. The openness I desire to share with the world is tempered by the love I desire to show my mom. Even the word mother is struggle for me to define for myself, let alone explain or write down. If you've had a relationship like that, you understand. Our ongoing reconciliation (because there's always more hurt - past and present to get over) is an act of obedience from me to God. Loving my mom is an act of will on my part -- only because it's what God asks of me that keeps me in the relationship. It is God's choice to have my mom in my life, not mine. It's an ongoing, difficult relationship.
My mom has feelings of love for me -- but my mom is not a selfless person. She makes an attempt to show me love, but somehow it rarely hits the mark. And often, there is shrapnel embedded in her arrows of love. In years past I've tried to protect myself, but it's pretty hard to show love to someone while you're hiding behind fortress walls to protect yourself. So, now, I try to minimize the casualties in my heart and rely on Jesus to protect and heal me -- so I can allow her access to my life -- how else do you show love to someone? It's hard.
On the positive side of motherhood was my Grandma Handlin. My grandmother loved me, and I felt loved by her. That one sentence and the word love does little to encompass the depth and breadth of what that relationship was and is to me. A source of strength and a longing to be more than I am because of all she was to me.
So, my understanding of motherhood has been colored by years of pain and struggle. Because of my grandma, I do know what the outline of what true motherhood is supposed to be, but the nuances of what that looks like in real life elude me. I've had to make it up as I go with very little direction of how to get where I want to be.
I've got a disconnection in my mind -- I'm trying to become the kind of mother that the emotional half of my brain screams doesn't exist -- Mothers are dangerous and they can hurt you -- but I have to find a way to become this person -- so my daughters don't have a mother that hurts them.
Now, in my life is Mary. You know, the Mother of God - that Mary. Lots of people have a relationship with Jesus. There are people, lots of people, who can help you with that. Having a relationship with someone who isn't bodily in this world has some challenges, but you can get there -- there are some helps along the way.
Mary is a different story.
At least half of my friends would be a little suspect about attempting a relationship with a dead person, even a saint, who doesn't happen to be God. A divine being (like Jesus) can overcome shortcomings in a non-bodily relationship -- regular dead people, even holy ones, still aren't God. Even my closest, most intimate friends would have pastors who say I'm off the mark in desiring a relationship with Mary. But my closest, most intimate protestant friends are of the most loving variety -- and they love me in spite of my Catholic quirks if not because of them - although they can't give much direction on how to have a relationship with Mary.
I don't get much help from my Catholic friends, either. Either they're on a different spiritual plane than I am, or I'm too emotionally unstable for them, or they can't relate because they had great moms, or they're just too darn busy having babies to help me psychoanalyze my relationship with a dead, albeit holy, non-Deity. Or maybe I've been too hung up to ask.
Another issue is that Mary is mom. We're talking -- Ultimate Motherhood kind of thing. As related above, I have some motherhood issues. My motherhood issues tend to slow down a relationship with Ultimate Motherhood. Remember the emotional screaming half of my brain? And that's the side that's kept me safe for many years -- that's the side that I listen to. It's that still small voice inside when it's not screaming at me. (Please disregard all inferences to multiple personalities. Honestly, I walk around this neurotic all the time -- say a prayer for poor Dave who has to live with me).
So, I'm left with
- my ever-struggling relationship with my mom
- my depth of love for my grandma
- the many people inside my head
- my daughters who need a mother
- a dead, albeit holy, non-Deity who represents Ultimate Motherhood
- my desire to be more than I am
So, I've been praying to Mary for the last decade. Not nice, sweet prayers - more like chip on my shoulder -- so I'm left with YOU, who I don't want and don't trust and it's not like you're here anyway, but I'm desperate so where's the help already -- kind of prayers. She has answered me time and again with nurturing women who come into my life and love me -- protestant friends, Catholic friends, loving strangers -- women who surround me and hold me up when I'm about to fall with the weight of the world on my shoulders. This is the love Mary has given me.
NOW - we're in the present (believe it or not ALL THAT was background and baggage). Mary loves me and helps me. She's still not bodily present to do my dishes, but I have no doubt of her existence in my life. I'm still learning how to be a loving daughter, but I'm better than I was a decade ago, mostly because of Mary's help. Sometimes I'll start a prayer to Jesus and I don't have peace -- I know I need a mother (I still have a hard time saying 'my mother' about her).
The rosary is the prayer to Mary. It's boring. I'm sure all my issues factors in. I've read books, histories, meditations on the rosary -- it's still boring. I don't pray it often and it goes in spurts. Most of my Catholic friends are WAAAAYYYY more faithful than I am. There's so much stuff I don't get "Why would Mary want a boring prayer?" stuff like that. yada yada eternal realities are different than earthly circumstances. yada yada the Catholic Church has 2000 years of truth...I know. It's still boring. When I'm desperate or lonely or sad or worried about someone -- I'll say my rosary - I say part of a rosary about once a week and get interupted and don't go back to it.
I don't have a good end to this. I'm still working it all out...with help.
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