Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Spouse Questing 101 : Lesson #4 Shake the Trees

I had no qualms or misgivings that I WANTED to be married and I was seeking it actively, hungrily, like seeking employment or a place to live or new friends.

When you shake the trees, a coconut or two may fall on your head -- but you may also find the dinner you're looking for.

You've gone through the looooong process and
...you know who you are.
...you've become someone who is in a position to get what you want.
...you know what you want.

Now, you need to make it happen.

This is often a step many people jump to when still unprepared. They want to find someone fantastic, but they haven't done the work on themselves to become someone fantastic or they find someone who's a great fit for themselves, but can't hold on to them because their lack of virtues keeps them from being "marriage material."

This is also a step many people don't quite get to (and it's important). It's like paying for the car and forgetting to drive it off the lot. You and God have done all this hard work on you and you're worth having. Often, people who don't go out to make their dream happen just don't feel like their worth in obtaining it.

There is a third group of people who don't want to go out and make their dreams happen -- they want to stay home and let God bring the right person to them. This type of person is given over to prayer and is completely accepting of God's will. Please make sure you are close enough to God to accept every part of His will, even the death of your dream, with the same joyful acceptance as you would the fulfillment of it. Don't use spirituality as a cover for fear or laziness -- it won't end well. I'm not saying God is obligated to send you your dream-boat. However, you and He have prayerfully worked together toward this end and to not reach for the prize is just silly.

The first thing you should do is pray, pray, pray. Then, look around. Where are you likely to find this dream-boat you dreamed up? At a bar or at church? Should you look in the singles ads online or at CatholicMatch.com? Join a ski club if it's an activity you'd be interested in (it might have the added bonus of your dream-come-true being there).

Continue to put yourself in places and positions where you might find the kind of spouse you want - bible study, try another church within your denomination, help out a soup kitchen, etc. When you have an attitude of openness to meet new people and try new experiences, you're going to have the body language and social skills that enable you to be an approachable person. Don't forget to pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.

At this stage of the game, it's vital that you don't slip into one of the world's lies - that who you and God have helped you become isn't enough. You don't need to dress immodestly or throw yourself at someone. You're not less-than because you haven't found the right person, yet. You don't want to loose your identity and allow your behavior or choices to undermine who you've become. Don't settle for anything less than the complete fulfillment of your dream.

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